Saturday, June 19, 2010

Father of the Bride...

Yes this is another daddy post...  And yes... I admit it...  I have daddy issues!  Geez does that sound bad written down.  But it's true I gots me a case of daddy issues.  While going through the faux-Tivo last night to find something I wanted to watch that would not distract Josh from studying (as he decided to study in the living room rather than on one of the other 2 stories we have in the house), I came across an old episode of House.  The DVR had taped it the other month and I never watched it.  So I turned it on and what would it be about but nothing other than something wedding related.

The first scene of course was a father and daughter.  =(  The bride waiting in the hallway before her grand procession down the aisle and her dad walking in joking to her about how the car is all gased up if she decided to get cold feet.  There was a cute little bit of interplay and humor between the two.  The kind you would expect to see between parent and child who have a good loving relationship.  At this point, I realized that I won't get that same interplay on my wedding day.  Whether my dad in the next 3 months decides to walk me down the aisle still is unknown.  I haven't spoken to him in a month or so and I don't want to be the one to break the silence.  I understand his side of things but also don't see why it has to be such a big deal.  =(  I had told him when I first mentioned city hall that he could walk me down the aisle there too.  And his response was that he didn't know if he could come in the middle of the day.  He should be happy about the wedding rather than nit picking every little thing he doesn't like.

Either way it ends up, I've realized there was a bunch of things I either did or considered not doing because of him.  Because of my constant desire to seek his approval.  Because he's family and he ought to love me but has a better relationship with my step-sibs than he does us.  (I love my step sibs but it's true...  he's more fatherly towards them or at least it seems he's less critical around them as they don't find him to be a total grump.)  I had started to consider other food options when he expressed that BBQ would be too messy for a wedding.  As I never planned a wedding before, I didn't want to do something off.  But lets face it, Josh and I love BBQ.  And it's a park setting.  So why not do what we prefer if it will safe us $ and express to our friends and family what we love.  (And we sure do love Mitch's BBQ!)

I also told Josh right from the beginning that we weren't having alcohol at the wedding because I didn't want him acting up.  And by acting up... it's not the drunk show that most people put on when they have alcohol.  There is no falling over goofy drunk.  He just gets more bitter, more cynical, more critical and has an easier tendency to anger.  Most would not recognize it but us kids do.  And I don't want to have him get a tone and make me cry on my wedding day.  For this reason, I decided no booze.

Furthermore it's funny how at times when I should easily call him for advice without thinking, I'll hesitate as calling him will not lead to such advice.  Instead he'll find issues to be critical about.  For instance, had I called him about the flooding and to borrow his shop vac, I would have been faced with hounding criticism before being told I could borrow it.  Such things would include him probably saying "Your landlord should clean it up and not you as you're paying enough in rent for that." or "Why did you move so close to the river... that area floods!" (even though the flooding is due to poor maintenance/drainage on our neighbors property.  That's how he tends to be.  At least if he's had a drink or is already in a fowl mood.

It's sad because all I want and ever have wanted was to have a real daddy.  Someone who would give you the clothes off his back if you needed.  A dad who would never say no to walking his daughter down the aisle.  A dad who is proud of his daughter's past accomplishments and is cheering her on for the next ones.  Someone who sees the good and not the bad.  Instead I have a dad who doesn't seem to care or has a really bad way of going about showing that he does.  A dad who should know that I'm critical enough on myself and don't need more external criticism but doesn't seem to.  It's a darn shame.

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